Saturday, March 11, 2006
BAD ADVICE
Want to win a partner over? It's quite easy!
1. Yawn frequently in your lover's company. This shows that your partner is a soothing presence who puts you totally at ease. This is especially important if they are speaking of matters deeply important or moving to them. They need to know that you are completely comfortable when they are sharing.
2. Remember, as with many attack dogs, men take direct eye contact as a threatening sign of aggression. Avoid it at all costs.
3. People in love naturally nurture, and need to know that all of their partner's needs are being satisfied. Combining the senses can communicate this idea very powerfully. The mating urge and feeding urge are closely connected. While orally loving, try mumbling the words, "Reuben sandwich." You'll be surprised at the results! Also, try romantic music, like the theme to THE A-TEAM. Imagine yourself as George Peppard, that handsome devil, and imagine your partner as Mr. T. Then think about that episode where they make that impromptu weapon that shoots cabbages. I swear to God, this was an actual episode. Remember how they always had to give Mr. T's character powerful drugs to tranquilize him into flying in a plane? He was a brave, noble warrior, and yet was afraid to soar with the eagles. I bet those drugs they gave him were "roofies." What in the hell were the A-Team doing with date-rape drugs? They were all dashing rogues, in no short supply of feminine company. They loved it when a plan came together. Surely, they wouldn't have needed something like roofies to score chicks. Even Murdock was okay-looking. So why did they always give Mr. T date-rape drugs? What the hell else did they do to Mr. T while he was being flown about the globe? That poor, poor man. He loved them like brothers. And he trusted them while they just made a fool of him. I pity the fool.
4. Lovers like surprises. They show that you care. Unexpected love notes or small-but-thoughtful gifts can ignite magic in the bedroom later on. But women -- the brainier gender -- don't like mental stimulation to end when crossing the bedroom threshold. They love a sustained sense of dashing mystery. To engage her mind as well as her body, try to mumble the names of other women during foreplay. Preferably family members. Younger, more attractive siblings or elderly relatives are equally good choices. What about the names of co-workers? To really go the extra mile, sneak a peek at her high school yearbook and later moan some names of the prettier girls in her graduating class. This simply shows that you are paying attention to her need for mental stimulation. Remember, the brain is the most sensitive part of the human body.
5. As Eve Ensler has taught us, many women are unfortunately raised with negative views of their more intimate parts. Men, too, grow up with similar concerns. As lovers, it's our job to combat these negative stereotypes by embracing the whole person, and letting them know that they are completely beautiful, everywhere. Still, no none has yet to combine Febreze and a personal lubricant. So that's a money-making tip.
6. Women need to know that a circle of true trust is established in their love lives. To create genuine emotional intimacy, keep GIRLS GONE WILD videos playing in the background. Frequently telling her that "these are the kinds of women I'm thinking about when I make love with you," shows that you trust her with your inner wishes and feelings, completely. And trust is the ultimate sign of respect.
7. Good tip for men: reaching the pinnacle of your intimate experience, bellow manfully, "Ah, Bernard!" Just trust me.
8. Women love men who respect them, and part of respect is treating her as an independent, able individual, fully capable of taking care of herself. Trust the advice of feminists. For instance, it is a feminist truism that, ultimately, the woman is responsible for her own orgasm. So don't sweat it. Fretting over her "needs" is a sign of condescending disrespect.
9. Remember, couplehood is a partnership. You are equals, and nowhere is this more true than in the bedroom. Love and sex ONLY work when both partners extend the extra effort to make them work. It's 50/50, all the way. Pointedly remind your partner of this when impotent. Mentioning this shows your willingness to share. The ensuing discussion will help you reveal your deepest identities, and thus, bring you closer as a couple.
10. More and more, women love the icon of the gay man -- a figure who integrates the better halves of the male and female personas. We have a lot to learn from gay men. To show that you're a 21st century male, have a lot of gay sex. Get people to take photos. Litter the home with them.
11. There is nothing more romantic than the mythos of seafarers. Naval allegories have a swashbuckling quality that hints of mystery and charm. To maintain this atmosphere, men should refer to their manhood with feminine pronouns, in much the fashion that sea captains refer to their ships. For example, if your lover wishes to follow a session of lovemaking with yet another session soon after, feel free to say things like, "Well, we'll see. I didn't know I'd be taking her back into battle so soon." Remember, treat your penis like a lady, and she'll always bring you home.
12. The time between giving the mating signal and actual consummation can feel like an eternity. Let your partner know how eager you are to shorten that "eternity" by saying, "Let's get this over with."
13. REMEMBER -- for women, intimacy is a spiritual and emotional joining, as well as a physical act. Truly satisfying experiences leave a woman forever changed. Violent sobbing and confirmed statements of deep regret and resentment toward you demonstrate that you have, indeed, provided a life-changing experience. When you hear these -- and you will -- feel confident that this is her way of saying that you are an unforgettable lover.
Happy loving!
Want to win a partner over? It's quite easy!
1. Yawn frequently in your lover's company. This shows that your partner is a soothing presence who puts you totally at ease. This is especially important if they are speaking of matters deeply important or moving to them. They need to know that you are completely comfortable when they are sharing.
2. Remember, as with many attack dogs, men take direct eye contact as a threatening sign of aggression. Avoid it at all costs.
3. People in love naturally nurture, and need to know that all of their partner's needs are being satisfied. Combining the senses can communicate this idea very powerfully. The mating urge and feeding urge are closely connected. While orally loving, try mumbling the words, "Reuben sandwich." You'll be surprised at the results! Also, try romantic music, like the theme to THE A-TEAM. Imagine yourself as George Peppard, that handsome devil, and imagine your partner as Mr. T. Then think about that episode where they make that impromptu weapon that shoots cabbages. I swear to God, this was an actual episode. Remember how they always had to give Mr. T's character powerful drugs to tranquilize him into flying in a plane? He was a brave, noble warrior, and yet was afraid to soar with the eagles. I bet those drugs they gave him were "roofies." What in the hell were the A-Team doing with date-rape drugs? They were all dashing rogues, in no short supply of feminine company. They loved it when a plan came together. Surely, they wouldn't have needed something like roofies to score chicks. Even Murdock was okay-looking. So why did they always give Mr. T date-rape drugs? What the hell else did they do to Mr. T while he was being flown about the globe? That poor, poor man. He loved them like brothers. And he trusted them while they just made a fool of him. I pity the fool.
4. Lovers like surprises. They show that you care. Unexpected love notes or small-but-thoughtful gifts can ignite magic in the bedroom later on. But women -- the brainier gender -- don't like mental stimulation to end when crossing the bedroom threshold. They love a sustained sense of dashing mystery. To engage her mind as well as her body, try to mumble the names of other women during foreplay. Preferably family members. Younger, more attractive siblings or elderly relatives are equally good choices. What about the names of co-workers? To really go the extra mile, sneak a peek at her high school yearbook and later moan some names of the prettier girls in her graduating class. This simply shows that you are paying attention to her need for mental stimulation. Remember, the brain is the most sensitive part of the human body.
5. As Eve Ensler has taught us, many women are unfortunately raised with negative views of their more intimate parts. Men, too, grow up with similar concerns. As lovers, it's our job to combat these negative stereotypes by embracing the whole person, and letting them know that they are completely beautiful, everywhere. Still, no none has yet to combine Febreze and a personal lubricant. So that's a money-making tip.
6. Women need to know that a circle of true trust is established in their love lives. To create genuine emotional intimacy, keep GIRLS GONE WILD videos playing in the background. Frequently telling her that "these are the kinds of women I'm thinking about when I make love with you," shows that you trust her with your inner wishes and feelings, completely. And trust is the ultimate sign of respect.
7. Good tip for men: reaching the pinnacle of your intimate experience, bellow manfully, "Ah, Bernard!" Just trust me.
8. Women love men who respect them, and part of respect is treating her as an independent, able individual, fully capable of taking care of herself. Trust the advice of feminists. For instance, it is a feminist truism that, ultimately, the woman is responsible for her own orgasm. So don't sweat it. Fretting over her "needs" is a sign of condescending disrespect.
9. Remember, couplehood is a partnership. You are equals, and nowhere is this more true than in the bedroom. Love and sex ONLY work when both partners extend the extra effort to make them work. It's 50/50, all the way. Pointedly remind your partner of this when impotent. Mentioning this shows your willingness to share. The ensuing discussion will help you reveal your deepest identities, and thus, bring you closer as a couple.
10. More and more, women love the icon of the gay man -- a figure who integrates the better halves of the male and female personas. We have a lot to learn from gay men. To show that you're a 21st century male, have a lot of gay sex. Get people to take photos. Litter the home with them.
11. There is nothing more romantic than the mythos of seafarers. Naval allegories have a swashbuckling quality that hints of mystery and charm. To maintain this atmosphere, men should refer to their manhood with feminine pronouns, in much the fashion that sea captains refer to their ships. For example, if your lover wishes to follow a session of lovemaking with yet another session soon after, feel free to say things like, "Well, we'll see. I didn't know I'd be taking her back into battle so soon." Remember, treat your penis like a lady, and she'll always bring you home.
12. The time between giving the mating signal and actual consummation can feel like an eternity. Let your partner know how eager you are to shorten that "eternity" by saying, "Let's get this over with."
13. REMEMBER -- for women, intimacy is a spiritual and emotional joining, as well as a physical act. Truly satisfying experiences leave a woman forever changed. Violent sobbing and confirmed statements of deep regret and resentment toward you demonstrate that you have, indeed, provided a life-changing experience. When you hear these -- and you will -- feel confident that this is her way of saying that you are an unforgettable lover.
Happy loving!
# posted by Doctor Lao @ 11:50 PM 
