Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Top Ten reasons why Toshiba announced it will no longer make HD DVD players.

1) Once again, the American public won't tolerate a product with more than two Ds in its name.

2) On HD DVD discs, after putting in the commentary tracks, alternate endings, deleted scenes, cast and crew biographies, character pages, making-of documentaries, development materials, games, and previews, there was no room left for the dialogue.

3) The discs melted in temperatures over 80 degrees.

4) The discs cracked and shattered in temperatures under 70 degrees.

5) Because HD DVD is an older technology than Blu-Ray, it never could generate a satisfactory teal.

6) Toshiba's advertising campaign showing that buying Blu-Ray products was really supporting terrorism failed to make any headway in to the hearts, minds, and wallets of Americans.

7) When no one at Toshiba was looking, someone put out "Catwoman" and "Gigli" on the HD DVD format, thus generating a din of negative word-of-mouth.

8) Other than "The Bourne Stimulation" and "The *ucket List", there were no good adult titles available in the HD DVD format.

9) Fidel Castro said he would resign as Cuba's president rather than allow the "inferior" HD DVD discs into his country. Castro later announced that he would not accept another term as Cuba's president on the same day Toshiba announced it is stopping production on HD DVD players. Coincidence? Contacts at the State Department aren't talking.

10) Following Walter Cronkite's editorial report that HD DVD's war against Blu-Ray was unwinnable, Toshiba President and Chief Executive Officer Atsutoshi Nishida turned to Bill Moyers and said, "If I've lost Cronkite, I've lost America."

Friday, February 15, 2008


1. As noted in a talkback, Dr. Lao's blog is back and active. If you delve through the past month or so of archives, you'll find out why it was dormant.

2. Okay, this just doesn't get any weirder.

So, I'm watching the end of the snowboarding episode of THE GIRLS NEXT DOOR and their theme song plays over the closing credits. My eyes bugged out of my head when I saw that it was co-written by....

wait for it...

this is really weird...

as in, cue: Rod Serling...

William Saroyan.

No shit.

The real William Saroyan. The Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright of THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE.

William Saroyan wrote about grapes and cakes. What the hell was going on?

The music is by his cousin, Ross Bagdasarian. They wrote it in 1953 for Rosemary Clooney.

Now, guess what Ross Bagdasarian later changed his name to?

Dave Seville.

As in, "The Chipmunks."

Same guy.

This is all so weird that I can barely wrap my brain around it.


Monday, February 11, 2008

Top Ten reasons why “Vince Vaughn’s Wild West Comedy Show: 30 Days & 30 Nights – Hollywood to the Heartland” bombed this weekend (earning only $527 per theater):

1) The plot, like the title, is overly complicated.

2) The character development, like the title, is overly long.

3) The action sequence, like the title, is tedious.

4) The love story, like the title, is cruel and surprisingly violent.

5) The nudity, like the title, is nauseating.

6) The movie was doomed because the Heartland couldn’t care less about Wild West Comedy. Neither could Hollywood, nor any place in between.

7) The screenplay by Tom Stoppard sat on the shelf for over a decade, so the jabs at political figures are extremely dated.

8) Jon Voight’s lame cameo as the same Defense Secretary he played in “Transformers”.

9) 98% of the movie theater audience members are show audience members as well. But as the shows were performed in small clubs or theaters, that meant a miniscule audience at best.

10) Vince Vaughn gave a terrible performance as Vince Vaughn. He was completely unconvincing as himself, especially during the 18-minute monolog about every detail of his relationship with Jennifer Aniston.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Top Ten Reasons Why "Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour" was #1 at the box office this weekend ($29 million):

1) The plot dazzles with amazing twists and turns.

2) The characters grow in astounding ways.

3) The screenplay by Tom Stoppard contained many subtle jabs against current political figures.

4) The action sequences are electrifying. John Woo did another fantastic job.

5) Jon Voight's hilarious cameo as the same school prinicipal he played in "Bratz".

6) 98% of the movie theater audience members are concert audience members as well.

7) Unlike Tom Hanks in "The Polar Express" or Jean-Claude Van Damme in "Double Impact", Miley Cyrus handles multiple roles with ease. There's no mistaking her performance as the bubbly singer Hannah Montana with her performance as the bubbly singer Miley Cyrus.

8) Not since "The Man Who Wasn't There" and "Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone" has there been a film with a concept screaming to be made in 3-D!

9) Miley Cyrus is a brunette. Hannah Montana is blonde. Thus two audience demographics are satisfied instead of just one. (The redhead demographic will get their fill in the sequel.)

10) All of the hilarious references to "Meet the Spartans", "Epic Movie", and "Date Movie".

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