Toner_Low

The Top 10 reasons "Accepted" (the film about a guy that makes a phony college) was not the #1 movie at the box office this past weekend:

-No snakes.
-No plane.
-The scenes with Samuel L. Jackson yelling 4-letter words were cut.
-Many patrons thought they would be accepted no matter what, and were disheartened to find that they would not be admitted without purchasing a ticket first.
-When people offered ideas over the internet on what they would like to see, the studio gave the production only 3 hours for reshoots.
-The plot is a rip-off of a 1994 Disney film, "Camp Nowhere" starring Christopher Lloyd, except in this case the protagonists concoct a phony college instead of a phony summer camp.
-Conspiracy theorists, Star Trek and Star Wars fanatics, Civil War reenactors, and oil company executives, not feeling any acceptance, found the title to be misleading.
-It's anti-intellectual, anti-learning slant meant that commercials for the film could not be shown on PBS.
-A college education in America is almost completely unaffordable, hense many Americans viewed this film as fantasy/science fiction.
-Tom Cruise spoke highly of the film.

SoaP 2?

The Top 10 Proposed Sequels to "Snakes on a Plane":

-Snakes on a Boat
-Snakes in an SUV
-Snakes in a Mud Bath
-Snakes in a Phone Booth
-Snakes in a Hermetically Sealed Chamber
-Snakes on a Game Show-Talledega Serpents: The Legend of Hissy Venom
-M. Night Shyamalan's Snakes in the Water
-Snakes 2: Aviation Boogaloo
-Slither Up

SoaP: The fans contribute.

Top 10 suggestions offered by fans via the internet that did NOT make it into the final cut of "Snakes on a Plane":

-"Have one of the snakes trick a stewardess into taking the apple from the Overhead Bin of Knowledge."
-"Have the plane collide with a skyscrapper. Everyone loves to see that!"
-"Put the director's commentary on the finished print so we don't have to wait for the DVD."
-"Have the snakes trained not to bite bare flesh, so the only way the passengers can survive is if they get naked."
-"Have the snakes come from a middle-eastern country and hiss with an accent."
-"Have the snakes go to High School and sing musical numbers."
-"Spend as much on advertising as you did on The Lord of the Rings trilogy."
-"Use real snakes and make all the people computer-generated."
-"Somehow stick it to 'Lady in the Water'"
-"Have Samuel L. Jackson's character speak parseltongue."

_______ on a Plane(?)

Snakes on a Plane was the #1 movie at the box office this weekend. But snakes weren't New Line Cinema's first choice for a menace. Other possibilities included:

-Ticks on a Plane

-Politicians on a Plane

-Rednecks on a Plane (starring Kevin Federline)-->

-Ken Lay's Reanimated Corpse on a Plane-A Priest, A Minister, and a Rabbi on a Plane

-Less Leg Room on a Plane

-Elephants on a Plane

-Wal-Mart on a Plane

-David Hasselhoff on a Plane





-Lady in the Water on a Plane

THE ITMFA SAGA, pt. II

Sites continue to pick up the tale of Glen's woes, including Reason.com, where one commenter, providing alternate readings of the offending acronym, proposed "I Touched Marty Feldman's Ass." God I love that site.

THE STOIC AND THE APOSTLE

Turn now to Paul's Letter to the Californians, third chapter, second verse.

Lucius Annaeus Seneca, aka Seneca the Younger, is a unique Roman figure for a number of reasons. Unlike other classical authors, he wasn't lost and then re-discovered--people kept reading him from the early Middle Ages right on through to the Renaissance (they just stopped last week). The reason for Seneca's popularity for such a long time may have been his influence on early Christian writing--and the letters he supposedly exchanged with the Apostle Paul.

Scholars today believe that the Seneca/Paul correspondence is a sham, an attempt to rope such a popular writer into the Christian camp, but there are certain tantalizing facts that hint that perhaps the two men did exchange ideas. For one, parts of Paul's cannonical epistles clearly borrowed from Seneca (this is not too surprising; Paul was highly educated, and Seneca was a man widely read in the Roman world, even in his own lifetime). Also, Paul and Seneca may have been influenced by the same philosopher, a man from nearby Paul's hometown of Tarsus. (Tarsus, by the way, was a hotbed of Stoical thought, and Seneca was the leading Stoic of his day.) Even more alarming, Seneca's brother Gallio may have presided over a brouhaha in Corinth involving Paul's run-ins with the Jewish community there.

Whatever their relationship, if there was one, the Seneca/Paul story is an interesting window on the ferment of ideas circulating in the first century that led to such things as Rome's imperial zenith and the spread of Christianity.

THE ITMFA SAGA, pt. I

Bush-bashers, beware the wrath of Patty & Selma; my friend Glen has this alarming little idea that U. S. presidents shouldn't display such minor, forgivable faults such as folksiness, larded-on Texas accents, and complete mental absentia from the real world while receiving messages from Jesus about the lunacy that is evolution. So like folks in other states, Glen got vanity plates that read "ITMFA" (no translation here--this is a family Web site, for fuck's sake). Only not long after Glen slapped his plates on, the Department of Transportation told Glen that they'd received complaints, and he'd have to return the offending plates. Speaking to a Des Moines Register reporter, Glen sagely pointed out that this means all license plates with the letter "F" need to be banned, since even sensitive types apparently know what it stands for (I propose including the letter "S" in that roundup--it's an especially filthy letter, I say). A warning to all of you from the pyramid on the back of the dollar--keep your political opinions off of your plates.

Top Ten Actions Warner Bros. took when they realized that they’re never going to get back their $75 million (!) investment in “Lady in the Water”

-Immediately stopped development of the sequel.

-Immediately stopped production on the extras for the DVD. Mr. Shyamalan overcharged the studio for his acting in the movie; why pay for commentary that no one will listen to?

-Immediately stopped development of the television series for the CW (formerly the WB & UPN).

-Immediately stopped development of the cartoon show for The Cartoon Network.

-Immediately stopped publication of the DC comic book series.

-Immediately stopped pressing Atlantic Records CDs of “Music Inspired by the Lady in the Water” featuring rejected songs from unknown bands who never even heard of the movie.

-Immediately withdrew “LitW” cell phone wallpaper and ring tones from the Warner Bros. web site, despite getting 3 hits in the last 5 weeks.

-Got black-sheep subdivision AOL to sign up more subscribers by promising that AOL will NEVER give “LitW” away as a free download.

-Asked the Walt Disney Co. to use indoor voices when bragging.

-Didn’t care one little bit. The Harry Potter movies cover the next 70 flops!

Top Ten Reasons why “Barnyard” was not #1 at the box office this weekend

-Everyone knows that male cows don’t have udders.

-Everyone knows that cows have four stomachs, not seven and a half.

-Everyone knows that cows have no desire to stalk humans.

-Everyone knows that cows never wear hockey masks or masks that look like the ghoul from “Scream”.

-Everyone knows that cows can’t carry carving knives or machetes since they lack opposable thumbs.

-Everyone knows that cows have no overpowering thirst for human blood.

-Everyone knows that cows do not become ravenous for human flesh when they smell fear.

-Everyone knows that cows do not consider fresh human brains the ultimate delicacy.

-Mel Gibson (“Chicken Run”) forgot to mention the film when he was pulled over.

-The endless jokes about “Lady in the Water” were uncalled for.

DUDE, WHAT WAS IN THAT BROWNIE?

Folks, I'm always trying my darndest to provide amusing content to the millions of people who visit this site every day, but I am a true amateur compared to this guy who crashed Civil War reenactments dressed as a Klingon, then blogged about it. As one reader commented, "What the fuck?" My hat's off to whoever thought of this.

Top Ten Things that pushed Lady in the Water out of the box office top ten this week:

-No good story

-No memorable characters

-The Walt Disney Co. wouldn’t stop laughing at Warner Bros.

-Bryce Dallas Howard was too busy promoting “Spiderman 3” (she plays Gwen Stacy), which, strangely enough, doesn’t come out until next summer and is being produced by a different studio (Sony).

-Mel Gibson (“Signs”) forgot to mention the film when he was pulled over

-Mel Gibson (“Signs”) forgot to mention the film in his subsequent apology

-On the Tonight Show, when Jay Leno asked, “What the hell were you thinking?” Mel Gibson (“Signs”) forgot to mention the film

-Mel Gibson (“Signs”) is not expected to mention the film at his arraignment

-The toys, stuck in customs, still aren’t on the shelves

-It’s by M. Night Shyamalan (“The Village”), for crying out loud!

HOW DID I NOT GET ON THAT SHOW!?!?

After years of mocking the cretinous viewers of The Real World and American Idol, I finally found myself totally absorbed by a reality series--yes, Who Wants to Be A Superhero! I just tore myself away from the tube a few seconds ago, ashamed at myself for having spent over an hour of my life watching self-absorbed people in crappy gym outfits get mauled by attack dogs, then make snide comments about each other. Can't wait until next Thursday. Oh, and Stan Lee just gets sleezier and sleezier with each passing year--he's way surpassed Hefner by now.

The 2006 San Diego Comic-Con - TOO successful?

The Onion A/V club posted a short article about the 2006 San Diego Comic-Con that gives only the slightest taste of the event. But the paragraph about Rosario Dawson's appearance was quite interesting.

I had friends that attended the Comic-Con this year and they all said the same thing- WAY TOO CROWDED! The con stopped selling tickets at noon on Saturday because they were afraid the Fire Marshall would shut the convention hall down for going over capacity. Luckily, that didn't happen. But everyone complained that almost every room was shoulder-to-shoulder and that almost every panel quickly filled up (some didn't even have standing room in the back or on the sides). One friend was glad that the con was so crowded because more people migrated to the less-crowded small press section, and as a result those vendors sold more material than ever before. Considering how expensive renting a table at the convention is, I'd say that was a VERY good thing.

Top Ten Reasons the San Diego Comic-Con Was Such A Huge Success
10) Only 7% of the show featured those bothersome comic books. The other 93% was about the cool stuff- video games, movies, DVDs, trading cards, and pogs.
9) The premiere screening of the preview for “The Mask 3: Second Cousin’s Great-Grandfather of the Mask” starring Pauly Shore.
8) Frank Miller confirmed rumors that with his next directorial effort, Will Eisner’s “The Spirit”, the main character will be completely CGI.
7) There were so many celebrities at the show that you couldn’t throw 12-sided dice without hitting one.
6) Stan Lee limited his panel appearances to 27.
5) Free balloons for the kids!
4) Everyone agreed not to mention a certain movie about a certain female in a certain liquid.
3) Violence curtailed: phasers and blasters had to be checked in at the door.
2) Where else were people in costumes going to go? Halloween isn’t for another three months!
1) Blow-up Jar Jar Binks Love Dolls – 3 for $1.

Alan Moore and the serious repercussions from his lack of interest in scatology.

Comic book writer Alan Moore (Watchmen, From Hell, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Tom Strong) gives an interview in The Onion A/V Club about his new three-volume hardback epic, "Lost Girls". The books are about the sexual awakenings of three well-known females in literature: Wendy Darling from "Peter Pan", Dorothy Gale from "The Wizard of Oz", and Alice from "Alice in Wonderland". In the 2nd section, he said:

There's not a lot of scatology in Lost Girls, because… well, to say that it wasn't anything that appealed to us is not to put it exactly correctly. Because there's lots of things in Lost Girls that don't appeal personally to me or Melinda [Gebbie, the artist and now Moore's fiancee]. But there were things that we had to find some way of getting interested in, in order to make them arousing. We had to be, to some degree, aroused ourselves, or it wasn't going to be interesting to the readers. But things like scatology were a bit beyond the pale, and we just couldn't find a way that we could get even vaguely interested in it. Sorry, all you scat fans out there.

"Scat fans" around the world are disheartened by this statement. Dexter Franchista, Director of Media Relations for the American Scatology Society (A.S.S. - And no, I won't give the link because my grandmother reads this blog and I don't want her accidentally clicking on the link, seeing the very graphic index page, and having a heart attack) said, "This was a very surprising statement because we had been seeking an endorsement from Mr. Moore for several months, and while he never committed support to the scatology cause, he never expressed a lack of interest, either."

Susan Ropple, President of the Kenosha, Wisconsin, chapter of A.S.S., is so upset that she has vowed never to buy any more works by Mr. Moore. "He says he's working on a really long novel [Jerusalem] that he says won't be out for a couple of years. Unless there's really hot scatology on every other page, I won't even stoop to using it as toilet paper."

Has Mr. Moore lost a sizable segment of his audience? Who really gives a s**t?

Diamond Comic Distributors -
It's Not Personal, It's Business(?)

Yesterday, Tom Spurgeon's excellent web site, The Comics Reporter, reported an interesting controversy involving Claypool Comics and Diamond Comic Distributors. Apparently, last fall Diamond informed Claypool that its comics were no longer meeting minimum sales standards and that Claypool would have to work harder to sell more copies or face no longer being carried by Diamond. The last time a Claypool comic book was on the top 300 list was January, 2005, when Elvira #141 sold 780 copies. On July 31st, Claypool announced that it is discontinuing its print comic books (Elvira: Mistress of the Dark, Soulsearchers, and Deadbeats) and putting Deadbeats on the web. Spurgeon makes some excellent points about Diamond's virtually total domination of the market. But a very interesting conversation is on Peter David's web site. David wrote and co-owns Soulsearchers, and many people joined in denouncing Diamond (although David blames another group as well). Matthew Hawes, owner of COMICS UNLIMITED in Evanston, Indiana, has several informed responses to David and others about the state of the comic book industry, how Diamond is a danger in more ways than one, and how Marvel, D.C., Dark Horse, and Image are complicit in the shenanigans. David Van Domelen writes, "Hardly the first publisher Diamond has killed off, but probably the biggest and longest lived." Craig J. Ries writes, "Some will blame Claypool. I can't do that, because I don't think every comic should have to sell like the big boys to survive."

Speaking of blame, there's an article from the now-defunct British Ninth Art web sitewritten just after Claypool's first warning from Diamond was announced last fall. Author Paul O'Brien looks at the other side of the coin and has some cogent points about how Claypool seemed to have made little effort to reach out to potential new readers.

But my favorite two lines come from Spurgeon, who writes, "One thing I find slightly ridiculous is that despite its position as the market, Diamond seems to still be working some angles as if it were one agent among many in a freewheeling, complex distribution and sales landscape." He finishes up his mini-editorial with, "What should concern us isn't whether or not Claypool deserved to be shown the door but if everyone without a major crossover superhero mini-series is being given the best chance to succeed."