Toner_Low

AVE, REAGANUS!

Many people seem to worry these days that the U. S. of A. is not only becoming an empire, but one following the Roman model. Why the nervous nellies see this as a bad thing is beyond me--the Romans were cool, with their civic virtue, comfortable daywear, orgies, sacrifices to pagan gods, and melodic British accents. So why not embrace this trend and start where the Romans would--by deifying our dead leaders, starting with the likliest candidate of the lot, Ronald Wilson Reagan.

Since Congress doesn't seem to have much else to do these days, I think they should seriously consider a measure to officially confirm Reagan as a god of our nation. The bill would contain the following:

• An edit of the constitution to alow for the union of church and state in all matters of Reagan's divinity. Federal funds would be earmarked for the construction of Reagan's temples and ziggurats, while Christians--who, it bears repeating, worship a foreigner--would continue to get nothing but lip service.
  
• A re-writing of the First Commandment to say, "You shall have no other god before me, except Reagan."
• The establishment of a priesthood to read divine portents and thus learn Reagan's will.
• Changing the Pledge of Allegiance to "One nation, under Reagan" (thereby neatly solving that thorny debate).
• A declaration of the War on Drugs as a Holy War.
• The renaming of the month of September as Reagan.
• Switching to the Reagonian calendar, with 1911 as year 0.
  
• The use of "Reagan!" as a standard greeting, replacing "hello!" For less formal occasions, citizens could greet each other with a friendly "Ronald," or just "Ron."

I'll send around an e-mail petition. We can make this happen, people.