Toner_Low

CAN'T BE A COINCIDENCE

Few weeks contain as many notable commemorations as the one we're in. Monday was the birthday of America's most unusual president, the endlessly examinable Abraham Lincoln. Tuesday marked an equally momentous and controversial figure's birthday; I refer of course to Henry Rollins. Wednesday is the day when moon-eyed romantics everywhere express their tenderest feelings over the beheaded corpse of St. Valentine (The day celebrates his martyrdom, not his birth). All of this winds up at one of the greatest holidays ever, the Roman festival that involved dressing in a goat carcass and flogging maidens to make them fertile, the original orgy for "furries," the day from whose implement of whipping the month takes its name, the blood-soaked carnival that the pagans did to perfection, the celebration of Lupercalia. Count 'em, four days of such incredible importance, all in a tidy row. Most weeks would kill to claim a single one of these days as their own. Feb. 11-17's got cuatro.

All this can only mean one thing--some colossal force is pulling the strings. Take out your tinfoil hats, gang, because we are not alone, or if we are alone then we're talking to ourselves and someone's answering back and it's not us.