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Top Ten Reasons Why Absolutely No One Bid on Anna Nicole Smith’s Diaries This Saturday

Two diaries written by A.N.S. failed to sell at auction in Texas on Saturday. An unnamed German businessman purchased them and other A.N.S. mementos on an eBay internet auction earlier this year for $500,000, then attempted to resell the diaries through Heritage Auction Galleries of Dallas. Here are the top ten reasons no bids were received.

-The guy who wrote the Adolph Hitler diaries claimed they are fake.

-A.N.S.’s hand-writing is especially difficult to read on the months she got bombed, plastered, and/or stoned.

-The diaries were written between 1992 and 1994, when A.N.S. was married to oil billionaire J. Howard Marshall II. These are generally considered the boring “domestic bliss” years.

-The only revelation about her marriage to Marshall to be found in the pages is that Marshall preferred old black-and-while films while she would only watch color. Hence, two TVs side-by-side in the bedroom.

-A.N.S. couldn’t stop writing about Marshall’s surprisingly enormous, gigantic, awe-inspiring… bank account.

-Because she could suddenly afford any dish she desired, many of the diary entries are obsessively centered on food.

-The pages are covered with sauce stains, gravy stains, melted ice cream stains, etc. Several pages are stuck together.

-Too much page space is spent recounting the plots to mediocre TV shows (“The Heights”, “Melrose Place”, “Saved by the Bell: The College Years”, “Party of Five”, “Sisters”) she watched while dining.

-A.N.S.’s frequent gushing over actors River Phoenix, Brandon Lee, and John Candy are, to put it mildly, unsettling.

-Analysts agree that the diaries hold very little monetary value, and their sentimental value is even less.